


i get lost all the time in my thoughts, in my mind (you come through like a light)

by bloodaccusedstones



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-30
Updated: 2014-12-30
Packaged: 2018-03-04 08:05:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3023726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodaccusedstones/pseuds/bloodaccusedstones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Laura, what happened?” She looks confused so you tap your ribs. You feel her stiffen and you run your hand down her arm. She has a pained expression on her face and you know that whatever happened, was very bad. You take a finger and smooth the lines that are forming across her forehead. You didn’t mean to make her sad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i get lost all the time in my thoughts, in my mind (you come through like a light)

**Author's Note:**

> Well, not really sure where this came from, but it's here, it's queer, and it's wanting to be read. trigger warnings for mentions of depression and suicide. 
> 
> But hey, it gets fluffy.

///

You hear something, you’re not really sure what because everything is all garbled and you can only hear out of your right ear. You feel pressure on your shoulders and it hurts. You muster a groan, which comes out weak and broken, and you’re surprised there was even any sound. You guess that something is beside you and it heard you because the pressure increases and you groan again, but louder this time.

Your head is swimming and you’re dead, you know it. You’re just a little slow, and you know you’re dead but you don’t remember how.

(I’m a vampire...right? And vampires can’t die. So technically, I’m not dead. Right? But I'm Dead. I'm dead? Even though I can’t die. Because I was already dead. I died again? Wait, what?)

You’re head is pounding and now you’ve confused yourself.

“Carmilla?”

You suck in air (you can’t see or hear and that freaked you out a little) and you end up coughing from the sudden intake of air. You cough, hard, and your chest hurts.

“Carmilla!”

The pressure increases again (you swear, you’re going to kill whoever is touching you) and you moan. You hear people talking somewhere in your vicinity and you want to reach out to them but you’re in so much pain. You’ve been in pain before, but not even the jump you made off a twelve story building back in 1967 hurt like this does. You manage to crack your eyes open and a figure hovers over you. You tilt your head so you can hear a bit better.

“Carmilla? Oh thank god. Laura! Guys, she’s moving!” The figure leaves and you catch a long streak of red following them. There are spots of colors everywhere, so the streak throws you off a bit, but then you remember the Ginger Squad. It was one of them, it probably was.

Another figure hovers over you and you can feel hands on your face. You groan because it hurts to breathe, and the person is saying something again. You weez because Laura (Laura Laura Laura) is above you and she’s touching you and she doesn’t hate you. The grip on your face tightens and you realize you’re coughing.

You’re coughing hard, making your whole body shake and Laura is panicking. You vision clouds, she’s getting fuzzy and your coughing is getting weaker (oh god please don’t let me die again). You whimper and you feel a hand behind your neck, holding your head up, and now there’s three hands on you, no five, and you’re confused. Where did all these hands come from?

You hear Laura yelling your name but you can't seem to respond. You’re fading and oh god, you don’t want to die, not anymore, not since you met Laura. You’re becoming limp, the hands grasp at you, and the yells have become screams. She thinks you’re dying; Laura thinks you’re dying (you are, you’re dying) and she was your saving grace, your second chance.

“Laura.” Her name tears itself from your throat and it sounds bloody, strangled, a last prayer for a monster like you.

If you’re going to die, you’ll die with her name on your lips.

///

“You look like a rat that drowned.”

“Carmilla, I swear-”

“Whoa, take it easy, soggy creampuff.”

“Carmilla.” You snicker and toss the book you were reading onto the foot of your bed. You get up and walk over to her. She’s dripping wet, and you ask her what happened as you help her take off her jacket. “I was walking back here when someone drove through a puddle of slush.” You laugh because you can just imagine that scene, and Laura shoves you into the wardrobe.

She puts a few bags of blood in the fridge, throws her bag on her bed, herds you away from the wardrobe, then takes out flannel pants and a long sleeve t-shirt and walks into the bathroom to take a shower. You walk over to the fridge and pull out a packet of blood. You leave it there (you don’t really like cold blood, it just reminds you of your frigid flesh) and stand there, thinking of what you could do while you’re blood is warming up (you don’t use the microwave because it makes the blood too hot, and it burns your tongue and you _hate_ it).

You grab the TARDIS mug and wash it out and whip up a cup of hot chocolate. You set the mug on Laura’s headboard and your blood is warm by now. You pour some into a glass cup, put the rest back into the fridge, and lounge on your bed, reading the book you were before and sipping from your cup. Laura walks out of the bathroom after a while and she looks exhausted. She turns off all of the lights, except her owl lamp (she knows you like one light on, plus you’re reading), and catches sight of the hot chocolate. She grabs it and walks over to you. You glance up when you hear it being set down on your headboard, and you see Laura pulling up the covers. You toss your boots off and slip under the blankets. She lays next to you and you put your book next to the two cups.

She practically passed out when you stop moving around. Her hair is fanned out over your pillow, some of it tickles your face, and her pinky is barely touching yours, and you are so glad you didn’t die.

///

You clear your throat and Laura moves her head to look up at you. You’re laying in her bed with her body draped over yours. Her head is resting on your chest and her hand is slowly roaming the hard plain of your stomach, occasionally tracing the scar that your murderer gave you. Your ribs still have some bruising and you don’t really remember much of that day. You run a finger over the bridge of her nose and down her cheek, and she’s looking at you with a twinkle in her eye.

“Laura, what happened?” She looks confused so you tap your ribs. You feel her stiffen and you run your hand down her arm. She has a pained expression on her face and you know that whatever happened, was very bad. You take a finger and smooth the lines that are forming across her forehead. You didn’t mean to make her sad.

“You don’t remember, do you?” You shake your head. She fiddles with the hem of your shirt. “You were dead. Danny carried you here from the pit and...and you were dead.” She whispers and she sounds like she’s breaking and you regret asking her. “You...you just- I couldn’t-can’t, I can’t lose you, Carm, and you were dead. Carmilla, you were dead, I mean, actually dead, not immortal like you are now, you were dead dead, and I was so scared and you were coughing up blood and you were so broken and I couldn’t fix you-”

You shush her and roll onto your side and pull her into your chest. She wraps her arms around you and grabs fistfuls of your shirt, and she’s sobbing, and you are so sorry that you ever asked. You rub her back and bury your head into her neck. You feel her tears seeping through your shirt and it makes your stomach hurt.

“Hey, Laura. Laura, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, I swear. Laura, you are fixing me. You are.”

///

You find out later from LaFontaine that after you lost consciousness on the group, you you had a seizure. Laura had her hands on your face, LaF had theirs on your ribs, trying to stop them from spilling out of your chest, Perry had hers on your leg, and Danny had hers on your neck (now you know where all those hands came from).

After you stopped seizing, Perry said that they had to get the blood off you. LaF and Danny had been the ones to put you in the tub; Perry had been focused on the blood that had dripped all over the floor and Laura wasn’t in the best emotional state (it crushes you to hear that Laura was sobbing so hard that she had begun to hyperventilate).

LaF and Danny had rinsed the blood off of you, repaired broken bones and dressed your wounds. The ginger squad had camped out in your dorm with Laura for three days, watching over both of you.

LaF had told you this at the University’s cafe, while they, Perry, and Danny had a cup of coffee (Perry had tea). You had sat next to Xena and across from LaF. After they had finished, you looked out the window. You couldn’t look at them, you felt a lot of emotions at once. You took a deep breath and turned back towards them. You managed a quiet “thank you,” and Xena had tapped your wrist while LaF smiled and Perry nodded.

They had cared for you. They had cared for Laura. You decided that you liked them. You plan on repaying them.

///

You walk back into your dorm and Laura is already there, typing away. She tosses a “Hey,” over her shoulder and you grab the cup of blood that is sitting on the counter. You don’t replay and Laura notices. She turns around in her chair and watches you take a sip from the cup.

“I know what happened.” She nods.

“Who?”

“Xena and the ginger twins told me. I asked them to.” She nods again, then tilts her head.

“Are you alright?” You look down at your feet and something twists in your stomach.

“I’m sad,” You say after a while.

“Why?” She gets up from her chair but doesn’t move from the side of it. You set down the glass and sit on the edge of your bed. Laura doesn’t move.

“I don’t know,” You don’t know why you’re sad, but you do know that it feels like one of those days when you would try to kill yourself all those years ago. It makes you angry; you’re sad and you don’t know why and you have Laura so you shouldn’t be sad.

“Carm…” She sits down next to you and places her hand on yours. “It’s okay to be sad. You don’t need a reason to be sad, sometimes you just are.” You end up playing with her fingers. She is every ounce of goodness that you’ve ever seen of this Earth. Nothing, not one thing, in all your centuries, has been as good as Laura. It makes you feel like shit, because she is the sun and you are nothing but a speck of dust that is only visible in the light rays, and she deserves someone much better than you.

“I’m a monster, Laura. I’ve killed hundreds of people. I know what it feels like to rip out spines and what death tastes like.”

“No, you’re not a monster. Yes, you are a vampire, but not a monster.”

“I’m bad for you,” You tell her because you are. You will taint her with black blood.

“Carm, I love you. You’re just the thing I need.” You rest your head in your hands. You feel her hand on your back. You feel tears prickling at the edges of your eyes, and you really don’t want to cry, but you’re so tired and sad and Laura loves you. You end up sobbing and Laura wraps her arms around you.

“I promise, I have tried to find where this sadness ends, Laura, but I don’t think it ever stops,” You stutter, and she just tightens her grip on you.

“It’s alright Carm. It's okay. Don't apologize for something you can't help. I love you. You're good. You are. You really are.”

///

“Ow, fuck!”

_“Carmilla!”_

“What? That hurt!”

“Oh come on, you big wuss.”

“I swear, Laura, I’m never listening to you again.”

“Carm, you just got hit with a snowball.”

“In the _face!_ ”

“It was just a snowball.”

“Just a snowball, my ass.” You brush off the snow that is casually sitting on your shoulder like it owns you, and Laura is standing in front of you, shaking her head. It was her idea to have a giant snowball fight in the park. The snowball fight hasn’t even started yet but Laura thought it would be hilarious to loosen up her arm, and she threw a _fucking snowball_ in your _face_.

“Come on, the fights going to start.” She runs off and you follow her. She grabs two snowballs, which you do also, and there are piles of snowballs all over. This was like one giant game of dodge ball, the entire school was split into two teams and a line split the park in two. You have no idea how she convinced the school to have this, something about a Christmas celebration or something.

You hear someone countdown and Laura squeals with excitement. Your muscles coil up, ready for the impending battle. The countdown finishes and snow is everywhere. You stay close to Laura; your mission is to protect her at all costs.

You end up dripping snow (how the _actual fuck_ is there snow inside your _beanie?_ ) and Laura hasn’t got one speck of snow on her.

///

Later that night, you’re laying next to Laura, her head is resting on your shoulder and her hand is playing with your fingers. You’re holding her, feeling her silky skin underneath your rough hands.

She nudges your chin with her nose and you look down at her. She kisses you, and even though this isn’t the first time she’s kissed you, you feel like you’ve been tossed into the sun. She burns herself into your skin, etching her name in your muscles.

She pulls back and traces your face with one of her fingers. You can’t tear your gaze away from her; she is so beautiful, and there are galaxies in her eyes. She moves her hand from your face to your stomach and traces the large scar that resides there.

“Carm?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m really glad you’re still here.” She whispers into your mouth.

“Me too, cupcake.”

She kisses you until the last inch of darkness in the sky disappears. The sun highlights her hair, turning it into gold, and your skin is glowing. She points towards the window and when you look, the sun is softly glowing, spilling its light into the room. You can see the specks of dust dancing in the air, bathed in rays of warm orange, and when you place you gaze back on Laura, she’s staring at the pink sunrise, and she’s so Laura in this moment, it makes you teeth ache.

You are very glad that you’re still here, with her.


End file.
